Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Today is Nikki and my 10 month anniversary and I'm laughing inside. Because we celebrate the weirdest months together. Last year we celebrated our 7 month and next we'll party together on our 11 month =) So we're an Odd couple and I love it.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Well it's the end of day 2 and I'm sipping on my evening tea. I must admit good food smells delicious! But I just try to keep a positive attitude and think of all the benefits of this Cleanse. Yesterday I woke up drank my saltwater and in an hour made friends with the toilet. I continued to drink my lemonade and I went about my day watching little Phoenix. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing in the house and whenever I felt hungry I had a glass. The cayenne pepper just bursts in my organs, its not a bad feeling, I enjoy it because I imagine fireworks exploding inside me. On the other hand my throat is a bit on fire, but it goes away. I failed to mention that my older sister did this cleanse last year for 30 days and lost 28 pounds. So I've been talking to her asking my questions, the do's and don'ts =) Today was good, I'm told that after day 3 or so I'll experience such clarity that this would be a great time to works on goals. I dig that! I've also realized how much I depend on food. Not just for nourishment, but also as a personal comforter. Even when I'm not hungry I'll want to eat just because I can. A friend and I were discussing how this cleanse is hard because you have to truly be committed to go without food. This is the first time I've ever attempted this cleanse without cheating on the first day. Yes, I always have the intention to want to change, but I've lacked the commitment in the past. So what's change? Why now am I ready to commit? Well I'm getting older and as look back on my life I've never taken care of myself FULLY. Mind, Body, and Spirit. I've made excuses of why I couldn't do this for myself. But no more, I can't doing anything to make up for my past, but I can improve myself now, for my future. =)
Monday, March 16, 2009
Today I've started the Master Cleanse Diet also known as the Lemonade Diet. I'm not doing this to lose weight. I've been a vegetarian for over a month now and I want to completely cleanse my system of all the waste and give my organs a nice jump start towards a better healthy life. I'll be doing this for the suggested 10 days and decided to document my progress, in case anyone wants to ever try. So tonight I drank an herbal tea called Smooth Move, in the morning I'll drink a saltwater flush and then for the day I'll drink the lemonade concoction. I've been doing some reading on the health benefits of cayenne pepper and it's known to help rejuvenate your body from the inside out. Well here I go! I'll keep ya'll posted =)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sunday, February 26, 1995 the date that is forever apart of me, the day my mom died. It's been 14 years since mom left, that's about half my lifetime. Last week was her anniversary of passing, and I found myself thinking about her. Who was this woman? What was she like at my age? What would she think of me now? How accurate are the stories I've been told about her? Most are positive, but its been my experience that the dead are often sainted after life than before...and then of course these questions: Why? Why didn't she leave Dad? Why did she put up with all the "crap"? Why wasn't she stronger?
So I went up to Rose Hills to visit and write out my thoughts in journaling. I started my own personal conversation with Mom. I caught her up on the latest and greatest. I figured she already knew, probably knew before everyone else! LOL... Asked her my questions and listened for the answers.
Though the questions I've wondered since her death have stayed the same, I've changed, and I feel I understand the choices she made. I've been able to have my own experiences in life. I laugh at how judgemental I was of her when I was younger. I see myself in her, and I also see the differences.
Who am I to judge my mother? I only want to learn from her choices. I remember seeing mom really happy smiling and giggling, her eyes full of light. I remember the aching chill of a broken heart, watching mom sob as she fervently prayed and fasted, for an answer, and of course the singing of Patsy Cline songs. I've somewhat adopted the same regime when it comes to a broken heart. I remember wishing that mom would leave dad and take us with her, just like she told me she would when I was 8.
The 13 years I had with my mother I remember mostly sad stories. Usually me trying to stay out of her way so I wouldn't get in trouble. Joshua could never do wrong, so I took on mine and his punishment. It seems like my brothers have sweet wonderful loving stories, but I don't. I am number 9 of 10 and I do feel that by time I came along Mom Loved being a Nana, but was burnt out at being a mother. I believe that parents try to give their kids a better childhood than they got, so I am thankful. So yes, I feel a bit jilted, but that's life. I can only move on and try to do better for myself. I know she loved me and I love her. And in the end thats all that matters =)