So I went up to Rose Hills to visit and write out my thoughts in journaling. I started my own personal conversation with Mom. I caught her up on the latest and greatest. I figured she already knew, probably knew before everyone else! LOL... Asked her my questions and listened for the answers.
Though the questions I've wondered since her death have stayed the same, I've changed, and I feel I understand the choices she made. I've been able to have my own experiences in life. I laugh at how judgemental I was of her when I was younger. I see myself in her, and I also see the differences.
Who am I to judge my mother? I only want to learn from her choices. I remember seeing mom really happy smiling and giggling, her eyes full of light. I remember the aching chill of a broken heart, watching mom sob as she fervently prayed and fasted, for an answer, and of course the singing of Patsy Cline songs. I've somewhat adopted the same regime when it comes to a broken heart. I remember wishing that mom would leave dad and take us with her, just like she told me she would when I was 8.
The 13 years I had with my mother I remember mostly sad stories. Usually me trying to stay out of her way so I wouldn't get in trouble. Joshua could never do wrong, so I took on mine and his punishment. It seems like my brothers have sweet wonderful loving stories, but I don't. I am number 9 of 10 and I do feel that by time I came along Mom Loved being a Nana, but was burnt out at being a mother. I believe that parents try to give their kids a better childhood than they got, so I am thankful. So yes, I feel a bit jilted, but that's life. I can only move on and try to do better for myself. I know she loved me and I love her. And in the end thats all that matters =)